We are nearing 24 weeks, which is a marker for us, although I continue to wonder exactly why it is a marker. Yes, at 24 weeks there is a viability possibility; my girls have a chance at life in 3 days. The chances are slim, but slim is better than none. Every day after 24 weeks brings them closer to a healthy life.
I've been wondering why I haven't been writing and it dawned on me that there has been a LOT of events that have taken place in the last 6 weeks. My wife went to the hospital twice, the last one was a real scare-contractions every 2-3 minutes; she was pumped up with meds to stop them and placed on bed rest. I wondered how I was going to support my family, heck I was stressing about it. I applied for jobs at Target, Fredmeyer, and several other places- I just wanted to be able to provide for my family. I also prayed: for the health of my girls, my wife, and a new job. I interviewed for two state jobs already, but hadn't heard back. The Monday following the hospital event became a day that lifted so much stress off my shoulders and I knew, then, that God has been listen to me. In the morning, I received a job offer from a state job that will have a flexible schedule-I can work early in the morning to the early afternoon-so I wont miss much of my girl's growing up. This job also provides full family benefits. After I found this out, I also found out that my wife's cervix had stretched and she was taken off of bed rest! So, we would be able to save more and be better prepared for the arrival of our girls.
In the last week I was able to feel my girls kicking, which made me have sympathy for my wife, because they really kick the heck out of her!
Although I continue to be concerned about how we are going to manage everything, I can't help but smile ear to ear when I think about seeing Jocelyn and Adelyn...but not for a few more months!
Monday, August 17, 2009
Monday, June 29, 2009
One Day, All the Days Gone so Quickly
In this moment in time I am encompased in the illusion that my life is more than a moment in time and that it will exist in all moments of time. For the days continue to pass and my illusion continues. What is time really? The bible had an interesting idea of time, but the structure of our days does not provide the extension of our years. So, if I have no control of time, then I suppose that I then, only have control over life. There are two new lives growing inside my wife, for which I am responsible for. We dreamed of them together before they were conceived and we loved them before we knew they existed. Did I dream them into life? (isn't there a song about that?) I suppose when you take into account the fact of time, I did, or rather we did, dream them into life. And just as quickly as we have dreamed of them, I live each day with both hope and a smidge of fear. I hope for their safety, I even pray for it. I am fearful of a negative event, although I have no grounds to base the fear on. But that is what time can do to you- bring you hope, fear or both. As time goes on, the days move more quickly than I even imagined. humm... so then actual time is not the factor, it is our dreams that keep us alive in all the moments of time.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
15 Weeks, "2 days"
The week markers keep flying by, it seems like just yesterday we were looking at those pee sticks thinking that we were going to have try another round. We are almost half way through this part of the adventure. We recently purchased two cribs, a dresser, and a dresser changing table leading me to the realization that this is real. In 4-5 months I will have two demanding and adorable newborns. I pray that I will be a good provider and as fathers' day is approaching, I can only think about the hopes I have to be a good father to them, and to my 8 year old daughter. The babies are about 4 inches each right now, or about the size of an apple; so my wife has two apples in her u-womb right now, freaking amazing. And a little creepy...The thought of these little beans growing in here-even as I speak-is a little odd.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
We've made it 14 weeks!
Today is the marker of 14 weeks, and just 4 days before Jess's and I's 1 year wedding anniversary. The last week has been pretty stressful, me trying to finish up everything for school, our 8 year old finished 2nd grade, and Jess is still tired to the bone. But still its worth every moment of it and we are counting down the days until our next opportunity to see the little mates at which time we will get to find out their genders. I've got my fingers crossed for one boy and one girl, Jess thinks two girls, and her mom thinks two boys. Either way I will be thrilled, because the more and more I think about it, these two are real gifts.
I thought that we would have a really hard time getting pregnant. And while it did take several months for us to be able to put it all together, we were blessed with it working the first time. I go back and forth about feeling at odds with being born in the wrong body, mostly because my wife had to go through so much to get pregnant. But as I begin to think about it, our story really is no different than so many other couples trying to get pregnant. And in the scheme of things, we had it pretty easy. I mean, we didn't have to do IVF, and Lord knows it would have been years before we could have afforded a cycle of that. So, then I've concluded that indeed this is the way things were suppose to go all along. This was the right timing. We went to church a few weeks back the someone sang "He's an on time God." How true.
I thought that we would have a really hard time getting pregnant. And while it did take several months for us to be able to put it all together, we were blessed with it working the first time. I go back and forth about feeling at odds with being born in the wrong body, mostly because my wife had to go through so much to get pregnant. But as I begin to think about it, our story really is no different than so many other couples trying to get pregnant. And in the scheme of things, we had it pretty easy. I mean, we didn't have to do IVF, and Lord knows it would have been years before we could have afforded a cycle of that. So, then I've concluded that indeed this is the way things were suppose to go all along. This was the right timing. We went to church a few weeks back the someone sang "He's an on time God." How true.
Monday, June 1, 2009
12 and a half weeks
Well, things have been going pretty good from my standpoint. But the symptoms that my wife was so happy to have disapeared are back again! Sick and tired (literally). I'm nearing completion of my masters degree (2 more weeks and one paper) which is pretty exciting. My little ones will have a daddy with a masters degree! sweet.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Up to 12 weeks now
I hadn't told my wife about my silent moments with God, yet. But I when I did tell her, I learned that she, too, had lifted her prayers to God...
Beside the fact that my wife was so exhusted she could barely get herself out of bed every morning, things have been going pretty okay. We were counting down the days until our 12 week appointment.
In the mean time we talked with our daughter, alot, about the babies to come. And about how much we love her, and that she is our first child and there is a special place in our hearts for her. I'm not sure if that was convincing enough, because she still wasn't excited, it was as if we had been talking about how nice the the yard looked, or that her room was messy. Still though, I think we have gotten through to her about how good of a big sister she will be.
On another note, our dog, doesn't seem to give a rats about the babies (it could be that she doesn't really know whats coming), but we talk to her about it too. I mean soon enough they will be pulling at her ears and trying to ride her like the petting zoo pony. (we'll have to get a picture of that one). As for our cats, well they hardly care that we live in the same house as them. As long as we don't skimp on the cat food or kitty litter.
The morning of the 12th week appontment was, again, nerve racking. We were worried that the vanishing twin syndrom had happened, and somehow, one of our babies wasn't with us anymore. We thought it was just going to be a hear the heartbeat appointment. The doctor came in and said that sometimes it can be hard to hear both heartbeats, so she skipped the chase and brought it the big dog-hello ultrasound machine.
It was then that we saw our babies for the third time, only they had grown- much much bigger. They were both about 2.5 inches- and they were kicking or maybe it was punching, but boy did it seem like they were having a good ol' time in there. (I wonder if they will do that-punch eachother-once they make their way out?)
My wife's tummy is already huge. My unle's wife is pregnant, 20 weeks along, and my wife looks about the same as her.
By the way we have nick named them "flipper" and "bubbles" and also the "wigglets" (the ladder one is not my doing...)
I think we're in for a fun ride.
Beside the fact that my wife was so exhusted she could barely get herself out of bed every morning, things have been going pretty okay. We were counting down the days until our 12 week appointment.
In the mean time we talked with our daughter, alot, about the babies to come. And about how much we love her, and that she is our first child and there is a special place in our hearts for her. I'm not sure if that was convincing enough, because she still wasn't excited, it was as if we had been talking about how nice the the yard looked, or that her room was messy. Still though, I think we have gotten through to her about how good of a big sister she will be.
On another note, our dog, doesn't seem to give a rats about the babies (it could be that she doesn't really know whats coming), but we talk to her about it too. I mean soon enough they will be pulling at her ears and trying to ride her like the petting zoo pony. (we'll have to get a picture of that one). As for our cats, well they hardly care that we live in the same house as them. As long as we don't skimp on the cat food or kitty litter.
The morning of the 12th week appontment was, again, nerve racking. We were worried that the vanishing twin syndrom had happened, and somehow, one of our babies wasn't with us anymore. We thought it was just going to be a hear the heartbeat appointment. The doctor came in and said that sometimes it can be hard to hear both heartbeats, so she skipped the chase and brought it the big dog-hello ultrasound machine.
It was then that we saw our babies for the third time, only they had grown- much much bigger. They were both about 2.5 inches- and they were kicking or maybe it was punching, but boy did it seem like they were having a good ol' time in there. (I wonder if they will do that-punch eachother-once they make their way out?)
My wife's tummy is already huge. My unle's wife is pregnant, 20 weeks along, and my wife looks about the same as her.
By the way we have nick named them "flipper" and "bubbles" and also the "wigglets" (the ladder one is not my doing...)
I think we're in for a fun ride.
When I became a believer
After our trip to the doctor, it was offical- positive for pregnancy. Our baby was only 4 and half weeks along, but we alreay were in love. We were so excited, so thrilled. She began having some cramping and bleeding, suddenly every inch of excitement was drained from my being. We thought we were going to loose the baby. So, we had an she had to go in to get her HCG levels done, and we had to wait for an ultrasound until they were over 2000. 8 days later they were well over 2000. The ultrasound showed one sac, but it was too early to see a heart beat. But at least we had a sac.
The following week, around the 6th one (I think), we had another ultrasound, this time to make sure there was a heart beat. It was nerve racking, waiting to find out. Perhaps all of this waiting is preparing me for something. Anyhow, the ultrasound tech got her all ready and as soon as the screen popped up, I saw two little things. I cluelessly asked "are those her overies?" My wife was already in tears, you so she already knew. The tech said something about well lets see...the first "thing" heartbeat. Suddenly, I knew-TWINS! second baby- heartbeat.
They were there. My babies, so small but like I said already-I was in love. In fact I loved them even before they were created.
They were offically named "baby a" and "baby b," yea yea, I know real creative, but the tech wouldn't let me have the keyboard to name them something more exciting like...hum, I'm not sure I could have done better now that I think about it.
We called, again, every relative that we knew, and announced our news- we would certianly be going crazy in 9 months because we were having TWINS.
Again, our excitement was cut short, when my wife began having such terrible pain in her...well...downstairs area...plus some bleeding, we thought for sure that we were going to loose our babies.
I hung my head low, sitting in the waiting room of the hospital.
I asked God to forgive me. Forgive that I hadn't trusted in him, and that I was coming to him asking for something, when I have given so little.
"But," I said, "if you want me to believe in you, this is your chance." "Deliever these children from your grace, please, oh mighty Lord, make them okay. I will go to church, I will never forsake my faith again."
Ultrasoung time. Our babies, thankfully, were still there.
Our family went to church. And I thanked God.
The following week, around the 6th one (I think), we had another ultrasound, this time to make sure there was a heart beat. It was nerve racking, waiting to find out. Perhaps all of this waiting is preparing me for something. Anyhow, the ultrasound tech got her all ready and as soon as the screen popped up, I saw two little things. I cluelessly asked "are those her overies?" My wife was already in tears, you so she already knew. The tech said something about well lets see...the first "thing" heartbeat. Suddenly, I knew-TWINS! second baby- heartbeat.
They were there. My babies, so small but like I said already-I was in love. In fact I loved them even before they were created.
They were offically named "baby a" and "baby b," yea yea, I know real creative, but the tech wouldn't let me have the keyboard to name them something more exciting like...hum, I'm not sure I could have done better now that I think about it.
We called, again, every relative that we knew, and announced our news- we would certianly be going crazy in 9 months because we were having TWINS.
Again, our excitement was cut short, when my wife began having such terrible pain in her...well...downstairs area...plus some bleeding, we thought for sure that we were going to loose our babies.
I hung my head low, sitting in the waiting room of the hospital.
I asked God to forgive me. Forgive that I hadn't trusted in him, and that I was coming to him asking for something, when I have given so little.
"But," I said, "if you want me to believe in you, this is your chance." "Deliever these children from your grace, please, oh mighty Lord, make them okay. I will go to church, I will never forsake my faith again."
Ultrasoung time. Our babies, thankfully, were still there.
Our family went to church. And I thanked God.
Conception or rather shortly after
Its painful to wait. Waiting to find out if we get another Gift from God. Truthfully, I didn't really believe in God before; in fact I was a Buddhist. But something changed. Anyhow, we were pretty much going crazy-searching all over to find the earliest of early pregnancy tests. We ended up buying these little strips on line, but we had to wait for those too.
They, however, did arrive. We took one, well actually she took one. Nothing, the second line did not appear. But our hope was still strong, after all it had only been a week. A few mornings later (this was a friday), still only one line. We might have lost a little bit of our hope. Maybe, we thought, this wasn't our time. Saturday morning and I woke up early, so did she. She took another test. 3 minutes later there still wasn't a second line, so she went to sleep and I walked to the store to get a sunday paper (yea I like to get the sunday paper on saturday). I came back and thought I better check this out one more time...and there it was...the faintest second line a person has ever seen, but it was there.
We checked the one from the day before, and sure enough another faint second line. Turns out you have to give those earliest of early tests like 15 minutes. We had a digital test around and thought this is to make sure. "Pregnant" could this be true??? It was true enough for us to call every relative we had to make the big announcement. My wife had it on myspace and facebook within minutes, shes a little obssessed.
I wondered if I was really going to be a baby daddy. I mean I have an 8 year old, but she only came into my life when she was 6. I have never been a father to a baby. Would I know what to do? Would I make enough to support my family? Would I tell my child about my different gendered past, and if so, when?
All of these thoughts and emotions, however, were just the start...
They, however, did arrive. We took one, well actually she took one. Nothing, the second line did not appear. But our hope was still strong, after all it had only been a week. A few mornings later (this was a friday), still only one line. We might have lost a little bit of our hope. Maybe, we thought, this wasn't our time. Saturday morning and I woke up early, so did she. She took another test. 3 minutes later there still wasn't a second line, so she went to sleep and I walked to the store to get a sunday paper (yea I like to get the sunday paper on saturday). I came back and thought I better check this out one more time...and there it was...the faintest second line a person has ever seen, but it was there.
We checked the one from the day before, and sure enough another faint second line. Turns out you have to give those earliest of early tests like 15 minutes. We had a digital test around and thought this is to make sure. "Pregnant" could this be true??? It was true enough for us to call every relative we had to make the big announcement. My wife had it on myspace and facebook within minutes, shes a little obssessed.
I wondered if I was really going to be a baby daddy. I mean I have an 8 year old, but she only came into my life when she was 6. I have never been a father to a baby. Would I know what to do? Would I make enough to support my family? Would I tell my child about my different gendered past, and if so, when?
All of these thoughts and emotions, however, were just the start...
Pre Conception
When my wife and I first met, we had an immiadate connection. We had similar core values and goals which seemed to fit nicely together. We knew right away that we wanted to have children together, but it was important to wait until we were married. Ten months later we took our vows. It was a few months later that we really started to think about the logistics of baby making.
For starters, I lack the ability to make the little swimmers-so that was an immiated barrier. But thank God for donors, so at least we knew we were covered there. Then there was the question of my wife's fertility because she had been having irregular periods. A few doctor visits later and we found out that she basically had cervical cancer. After several more appointments and one procedure, she was given a clean bill of health-but still no period. So, we started Clomid, first at 50mg. When that didn't work the doctor decided not to mess around anymore, bumping it up to 150mg.
And oh, the cycles of Clomid. I probably shouldn't put on this blog anything about my wife's behavior due to the side effects of Clomid, but I will say WOW, I'm not sure I knew her for a little while each month. But thankfully, after one cycle of 150mg we had a positive ovulation test. And then it all began.
We jumped up and down-but what were we suppose to do next? We scrambled for our "insemition" packet, as if the doctors office already knew what a mess we would be after one positive ovulation test-we weren't even pregnant...yet. We called the donor bank and forked over a rediculous amount of money for the smallest tube of body fluid I've ever seen; I had the job of picking it up. It's kind of silly, but the tube kind of became my own little baby-I immediately buckled it up. Next we made actual insemination appointment. Frankly, we were so nervious and excited both of us could hardly sleep.
The night passed, it was 6:30am, still an hour and half away. We made arrangements for our daughter to get dropped off at school by our good friend and headed towards the office. It seemed like one of the longest drives in the world, though it really only took 15 minutes. Once we arrived the nurse kindly took my precious cargo- to count the little swimmers and make sure they were movers and shakers.
About half an hour later the nurse let us back to see my adopted sperm under the microscope. 81 Million with a +2 mobility-meaning they moved in the right direction and weren't like our dog who likes to chase her tail. "Wow," they all said, after all the donor bank only promised 12 million; we hit the 69 Million (sperm) jackpot. Sweet!
Minutes later my the big moment arrive. And so my adopted swimmers started their journey.
For starters, I lack the ability to make the little swimmers-so that was an immiated barrier. But thank God for donors, so at least we knew we were covered there. Then there was the question of my wife's fertility because she had been having irregular periods. A few doctor visits later and we found out that she basically had cervical cancer. After several more appointments and one procedure, she was given a clean bill of health-but still no period. So, we started Clomid, first at 50mg. When that didn't work the doctor decided not to mess around anymore, bumping it up to 150mg.
And oh, the cycles of Clomid. I probably shouldn't put on this blog anything about my wife's behavior due to the side effects of Clomid, but I will say WOW, I'm not sure I knew her for a little while each month. But thankfully, after one cycle of 150mg we had a positive ovulation test. And then it all began.
We jumped up and down-but what were we suppose to do next? We scrambled for our "insemition" packet, as if the doctors office already knew what a mess we would be after one positive ovulation test-we weren't even pregnant...yet. We called the donor bank and forked over a rediculous amount of money for the smallest tube of body fluid I've ever seen; I had the job of picking it up. It's kind of silly, but the tube kind of became my own little baby-I immediately buckled it up. Next we made actual insemination appointment. Frankly, we were so nervious and excited both of us could hardly sleep.
The night passed, it was 6:30am, still an hour and half away. We made arrangements for our daughter to get dropped off at school by our good friend and headed towards the office. It seemed like one of the longest drives in the world, though it really only took 15 minutes. Once we arrived the nurse kindly took my precious cargo- to count the little swimmers and make sure they were movers and shakers.
About half an hour later the nurse let us back to see my adopted sperm under the microscope. 81 Million with a +2 mobility-meaning they moved in the right direction and weren't like our dog who likes to chase her tail. "Wow," they all said, after all the donor bank only promised 12 million; we hit the 69 Million (sperm) jackpot. Sweet!
Minutes later my the big moment arrive. And so my adopted swimmers started their journey.
...I'm not sure exactly what Im doing here...
I've had dreams of publishing a book, and may be I will some day, but until then this can be my canvas to the world.
A little about me: I'm 25, married, and about to finish a masters degree. My wife and I have a 8 year old daughter, I joined their family when she was 6. I also happen to identify as an ftm-female to male-aka tranny boy. I lived 20 or so of my years in a female body. I'm lucky to have the love and acceptance of my family and friends.
While all of that is extremely exciting, the next 6 months (and beyond) of my life are probably going to be much more so-our planned pregnancy, has turned into a surprise twin pregnancy. I'm thrilled, excited, hopeful, dreamy, worried, and sometimes just plain scared-about so many things.
A little about me: I'm 25, married, and about to finish a masters degree. My wife and I have a 8 year old daughter, I joined their family when she was 6. I also happen to identify as an ftm-female to male-aka tranny boy. I lived 20 or so of my years in a female body. I'm lucky to have the love and acceptance of my family and friends.
While all of that is extremely exciting, the next 6 months (and beyond) of my life are probably going to be much more so-our planned pregnancy, has turned into a surprise twin pregnancy. I'm thrilled, excited, hopeful, dreamy, worried, and sometimes just plain scared-about so many things.
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